Prove it!

I recently got a job...which is a yay for me. But after I made it quite clear that using a telephone was an absolute no for me...my new employer has translated that to "oh, she doesn't LIKE to use a phone".

It's a disability for me. How did it come about? Well, first I had a high stress job at a contact centre that completely fell apart and I had a massive breakdown. There's a two month stand down to get onto government help...I was broke...but waiting for a large pay out from my employers. I couldn't get any help. I was sick...had no money...couldn't pay my rent...couldn't pay my car payments and had no food. And the phone became a thing of fear to me...I was getting call after call demanding money I just didn't have. And I was having to call to try and sort out where my money was from my employers. Even the dial tone or sounds of a phone ringing absolutely terrify me.

The next time I used a phone, I was forced to by my family to help with my father's funeral. I was already on high stress and this put me over...I ended up in respite care. While I was in care, Adult Mental Health kept calling me and calling me...standard procedure for someone on a suicide watch...but in my case it just made me more stressed out. I begged them not to call...my doctor begged them not to call...they did it regardless. In the end, I threw my phone away.

I have a phone now, of course. I can do anything on it...apart from call or take calls. I can instant message, text...even Skype. But it frustrates me that I'm viewed as pretty much unemployable in my field due to not being able to take calls.

And that leads me to the point of this post...there's this sad implicit thing where people without illness feel this need to PROVE that you are not unwell...when you are unwell. It's frustrating...especially when you're trying the best you can. Here's the thing...people don't ask someone with cancer to PROVE they're sick. People don't ask people in a wheelchair to PROVE they can't walk. BUT it's perfectly acceptable to ask someone with mental illness to prove themselves. It's perfectly acceptable to assume that we're just lazy or just don't want to do things, rather then that we actually can't.

I DON'T HAVE TO PROVE MY MENTAL ILLNESS. I DON'T HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING.

It's a complete barrier to achieving a semblance of wellness. So I can't use a phone...I can do ten thousand other things, plus I'm used to working around my own illness. The simple fact is that by asking me to prove that I'm ill just stops any progress at all. We don't need that. What we need is COMPASSION, UNDERSTANDING and ENCOURAGEMENT. And that's it.

Keeping your head above water

With mental health, you're never 100% "cured". Borderline Personality Disorder  is LIFELONG.  It's not something that can be just switched off. And when your brain starts thinking that suicide is an excellent Plan B, it defaults to that.

I'm currently struggling because I'm close to being completely overwhelmed by emotion. I was very excited earlier this week at having a job interview. I'm also excited for the event this weekend. But I'm also anxious about this weekend. And compounded with the general anxiety I have currently walking on eggshells at home...it's reached a point that I myself know is dangerous. And it's good to recognise that you are in a dangerous space.

I struggle to tell lies...I'm just no good at it...but what I am good at is concealing things that are going on. Which I will do from friends and family. I don't use friends and family as a counselling service...I use professional service because I know they have the proper support that my friends and family do not. There's no shame in seeing a counsellor. I used to feel embarrassed and have my usual social anxiety. But now I know they are there to help. They're good to bounce ideas to move forward. I've learned every day is a step forward...to full recovery, no...but to more resilience, more ability to cope.

Learning how your brain works takes out the fear...it's not unknown anymore, you're back in control and can help yourself.

What I'm doing at the moment is trying to actively rest as much as possible. Adrenaline is making me tremble uncontrollably and making me feel tired. A short walk will help. I may need to nap...which I always feel guilty about...but when you need to, you need to. And a shower will soothe me too. It's all about finding the best ways that work for you to try and reduce some of that adrenaline.

Turn it off

I am hosting a cosplay event this weekend...and it's two and a bit days out. I'm trembling uncontrollably...my mind is going ten million miles per minute and I'm at the stage where I just don't want to go. It sounds like I'm making a joke, "it's your event, lol, you have to go"...but I really really am absolutely reluctant to go.

I'm overthinking things. My brain always loves to worry about nonsense at the best of times. But now it's "what if it rains? What if it's too cold? What if no one shows up? What if there's no photographers and cosplayers get pissed? What if there's no cosplayers and photographers get pissed? What if it's terrible and people start bitching about me? What if I'm late? What if my cosplay breaks? What if I look like shit and no one likes me?"

It's like a litany, over and over and over again. It gets to the point where I can't even focus on anything else and it's an enormous struggle to do one thing after another without feeling completely overwhelmed.

I'm going to get through it. And it's NOT going to be as bad as my brain says it's going to. I have to take baby steps now and be really organised. My cosplay is done and ready to go. I'm on top of everything. And I'm still being gentle to myself. I'm going to read manga that's not too heavy. I'm going to indulge a little in some of the things that make me feel good. It's about balance...and also being aware of how things affect you.

Break it down

Every time I have to go out anywhere...an appointment...an event...a convention...my anxiety decides to skyrocket. Which makes me flustered and pretty much incapable of doing anything.

But I have learned some tricks to help.

Firstly...be organised. If you're going somewhere and you need documents, gather those documents up before hand and pop them in your bag. I always have my bag completely set up, with wallet, charger and keys. I also make sure it has hand sanitiser so I feel comfortable touching things. Because it's already set up, just needs my phone, it makes it easier for me to not forget things when the anxiety hits.

Take time to yourself before a situation that will give you anxiety.  Even if it's just alone time in the shower. I personally like to cuddle up with my cat and read a bit. I find warmth important, I feel more anxious when I'm cold. Relaxing will help reduce your anxiety as it reduces your heart rate.

If you have a list of things to do, make it a physical list you can see. Because your brain on anxiety is going to forget things. If you have a list then ticking things off that list can also make you feel like you accomplished something.

Focus on the positive...I'm usually super anxious because my brain is tossing up all these scenarios where I'm going to get hurt...maybe there will be drama amongst friends or personal attacks from my family, etc. There's always a positive though...yeah, there might be some unpleasantness but spending time with friends is rare and precious. Or there's a nice meal and mostly fun at family dinners.

Don't forget recovery...so much anxiety makes you absolutely exhausted at the end. Make sure you take some time for yourself, just to relax and recharge your batteries.

Numb

I'm pretty devastated about Chester from Linkin Park's death 😭 I was lucky enough to go to the concert they held here and another of my favourite singers, Chris Cornell was opening for them...pretty devastating all round really 😭

And I know it's going to come up that he's so "selfish"...stop right there. I've been in the dark place he was and I'm so lucky that I survived. There's nothing selfish about suicide. What there is is EMPTINESS. It's a void. Your mind plays so many tricks on you that you genuinely believe there is nothing. It's hard when your brain is constantly whispering to you that it's ok to give up, that it'll be better, that there is no other way. And when you're tired...broken down...that's when you start to think that maybe your brain is right 😭

Mental illness KILLS. We have so many warnings about smoking, drugs, obesity...but there's this taboo about mental illness. We don't talk about it. It's carefully swept under the rug. We educate our children on how to have sex safely...but we don't educate them on how to look after their brains, how to reduce stress, that being mentally ill is not something to fear but something to get help for. Just like any other illness. And it is debilitating just like any other illness. It's NOT weakness. It's NOT something you just need to "harden up" for. It's NOT something you have to "prove".

Please get help if you need it. If you want help to get help, talk to me. I can point you in the right direction. Making the decision to get help is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength.

Stigma...it's paralysing

The hardest thing about a mental illness is stigma...from friends...from family...from health practitioners...from strangers. But the hardest stigma to get past is your own stigma towards your illness.

It's easy to think you're broken and you're out of control.  You're crazy and your doctor can even provide you with a certificate proving it.

You're still you though.  Nothing has changed there...YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. You don't go around saying "hi, I have the flu", you say "hi, my name is..." Being sick does not change you, it just presents a challenge.

There is no easy way to tackle stigma. I find it easiest to talk to people, to explain what's going on and why I'm doing weird things. Usually I have difficulty with talking out loud but I enjoy writing. Writing this blog helps me.

Don't be afraid to talk. Talking can help. It can be really scary to begin with but the more you tell people what's going on, the more they can understand. I can't guarantee that everyone will understand but it will help you.

Mental illness is not a stereotype. You're not a bad person. You're just sick. It's just the same as any other illness. And it can be treated like any other illness...and it also makes you feel like any other illness (tired, nauseous, etc). It's not a failure. You're not a failure because you're ill. Don't ever let anyone tell you you are because you're not. Illness is not a failure at all.

It's hard but try to stop feeling guilty about being sick. If you had the flu, what would you do? You'd snuggle in bed, take some meds and look after yourself. It's the same with mental illness. Take care of yourself and get well.

You have nothing to fear except...

When I was a kid, I was absolutely TERRIFIED of water. Take me swimming and I'd scream the place down (I had a great scream...it was extremely loud...to the frustration of my parents). Swimming pools? Nope. Showers. Hell no. I had to have the tiniest baths, I was so afraid.

This lasted until I was 14. I was encouraged by a teacher and finally learned to swim. Then I could finally take showers. I still don't like putting my face in and deep water scares me...but I love to swim.

EXCEPT when I get anxious. When I'm anxious, I'm back to being terrified.  The smell of chlorine makes me panic. Why is this? Because of a form of post traumatic stress that BPD likes to create. Basically, if something has scared me to death in the past, it will continue to scare me in varying degrees.

I have a few current phobias. My main problem child is telephones. I have a severe phone phobia...I can't make calls and I can't take calls. It's frustrating because people interpret it as "I don't want to" when it's actually "my brain is literally stopping me because it thinks if I answer, I'm going to die". Your brain runs your body...if it doesn't want to do something, it's simply not going to.

I have other phobias...I shut down instantly around any form of yelling...spiders terrify me to the point where I can't even see one on tv...I'm afraid of leaving my safe places...I'm afraid of germs...I'm even afraid of my phobias, that they'll get completely out of control and take over my life.

I have no quick fix for phobias. All I can do is simply try my best to work around them as best I can. This can be so difficult sometimes...especially with the phone phobia. But I do encourage talking about your phobias...make people aware of the problem, because love and support can go a long way to helping with working around phobias.

I'm not a serial killer!

90% of serial killers represented by the media usually have some form of mental illness...and it seems a firm favourite is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder  (OCD), which means people naturally assume someone with OCD is scary and they're probably going to flip out and kill you if you use the wrong cutlery.

Ahhh. This couldn't be further from the truth. Borderline Personality Disorder unfortunately steals a lot of compulsive behavior from OCD...which means I like my set routines, I like to follow rituals to help me get through the day, I'm a worrier and I'm fastidious, especially about washing my hands. I wash my hands at least ten times just while making food. I wash my hands several times when going out...there are times when I wash my hands so much they're chafed and cracked. I don't like shaking hands...my instinct is to wash my hands.

OCD behaviours can be incredibly frustrating.  When I cannot do my rituals...say I come home and someone's using the bathroom and I can't wash my hands...it's so FRUSTRATING.  It's the most frustrating thing in the world for me. It's because I've been so focused on something to help me stay in control and now that I can't, my instinct goes straight to anger. The best way to describe it is when you're in a car and about to change lanes so you can turn into your street. You've done your checks, popped your indicator on and gotten ready to make the switch BUT now there's this guy who's just bulled his way into the other lane and is complete blocking your space. And your street is coming up...so you start panicking.

It's exactly the same with me and OCD. I'm going to straight up be frustrated and will snap easier, simply because I NEED to do my rituals to feel ok. I may get angry...but I'm NOT a serial killer. Neither is anyone else with OCD. Our rituals are designed to keep ourselves safe. We do them because we're probably the most afraid people in the world.

Don't tiptoe around someone with OCD. If you can see they feel agitated just ask what they need to feel safe...that's all you need to do. And try not to take to heart any angry comments...it's not your fault and it's not their fault, sometimes things just happen.

The elephant in the room

Starting with disclaimer again because I'm not a psychologist...and I encourage anyone who needs it to see a psychologist.

Suicidal thoughts are the elephant in the room. Unfortunately, in New Zealand, we have one of the higest rates of suicide in the world. And it's this shameful secret that we just keep to ourselves and never talk about.

And I think that's the wrong approach. There's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling suicidal...in fact, thinking about it happens to most people in our lives. It's better to talk about it, understand why those feelings are occurring and then figure out the next steps.

So why do we have suicidal thoughts? I can't speak for every person...but for me, it's due to being completely overwhelmed. It can be anything but my brain struggles and completely overloads. And when it does that, I start dwelling on thoughts of suicide.

When you're anxious, your brain is in primitive mode. It is constantly looking for a way to escape the situation you're in. And it has a default...if it can't find any other way of escape, it locks in Self Destruct. And once it's gone into that mode once...it's very hard for it not to set it as default mode for every time you're overwhelmed, even slightly. Sometimes it even gets ridiculous...I failed a simple task and my brain goes "no way...let's engage Plan B"...and I think "seriously, what the hell is wrong with you, brain".

It's hard to be aware of your brain enough to be able to challenge it's thinking...it takes years and years of practice. I always find the easiest way is when you get the thoughts to just think WHY. Primitive brain thinks of ACTION...it's not really good at thinking things through. As soon as you start thinking things through, while doing coping strategies, your primitive brain will eventually stop. It takes practice and is part of a therapy process called Cognitive Behavior Therapy. I found that while it's not always 100% effective with BPD, it does help when I'm depressed. I started learning it with a psychologist and I highly recommend that as the best way to learn how to negotiate with an unruly brain.

Self care and repeat

Starting with disclaimer because I'm not a psychologist...these are techniques that work for ME and some of them could work for you.

Your brain's locked in primitive brain overdrive and you're finding it hard to function? Here's my main tips for helping.

First...BREATHE.
It seems a no brainer but this one is actually really hard to remember when you start shallow breathing due to adrenaline. Your heart is signalling your brain that it's ready for action...even when it doesn't need to be 😒 How to try and calm it down? DEEP BREATHES. Take a long breath...hold it...then breathe out, blowing all the air out. And repeat, until you feel more relaxed.

Be in a safe place.
Safe places are so important...you need to have a space to yourself where you can just be you and relax. Most people with anxiety like blankets to feel weight and to keep warm...I have a few baby blankets that I picked up cheap and they're a perfect size.

Sometimes it's hard to be in a safe place all the time...but creating a space just for you in your home is important. As is having even an hour or so "you time" to just recharge.

Exercise
Sometimes a nice brisk walk can run off some of that excess adrenaline and make it easier to relax.

Basics
What I call "basics" is pretty much what you need to function. Primitive brain sometimes makes you forget important stuff...like eating and sleeping 😒 It's only designed to work for a short period of time.
The basics are EAT, SLEEP and SHOWER. Nibble on something if you have no motivation to cook. Have some ready made food on hand...soups, oats...things that you can pull out and eat with minimal effort. Insomnia is difficult...have a sleep routine. Go to bed at the same time each night. Make winding down rituals. Turn off notifications for social media. I like to use a lamp because it makes my room dim and I don't have to get up to turn it off. If you can't sleep...don't force it. As soon as you start to think "I must sleep...I must sleep!", primitive brain is going to wake up and say hello...which will make it more difficult to sleep. Try to achieve RELAXING instead. Feel comfortable, feel warm. The more you relax, the more easy it is to sleep.
Showering is something I usually forget the most...and it usually makes me feel gross. If you haven't showered, you feel gross and dirty...and it's a lot easier to believe the lies your brain tells you. Having a shower will lift your mood and make you feel good. I prefer to use particular scents in the shower that I enjoy and that makes me feel good as well.

Be gentle
Sometimes it's just too bloody hard. If you can't get out of bed one day...that's OK. Rest and try again tomorrow. Just KEEP TRYING.  It can be disheartening when you don't succeed...but you need to tell yourself that it's TEMPORARY. You're going to succeed eventually and when you do, reward yourself. Even if it's with something simple like a coffee or treat. Your brain is often weak to bribery, surprisingly.
I have this gaming thing where I list things as achievements to be unlocked...got into clothes today? Yay! Clothing achievement unlocked! Just saying that links it to the feeling you get when you unlock a game achievement...little things can help.

Primitive Brain...it's a dinosaur

Primitive brain is something I talk about a lot...but what is it exactly?

Well, our brains are really fascinating and capable of doing weird and wonderful things. And primitive brain is your brain's default fear, anger and excitement function.

Thousands of years ago, it was much simpler. It was survival of the fittest. It was mostly hunting, gathering and procreating. You did what you did to survive. You're out gathering food and you hear something moving around. Primitive brain kicks in, starts the adrenaline pumping. It's a rabbit! You hunt it for food. But there's another sound...it's a tiger! You run away to live another day.

Primitive brain is essentially there to HELP you. It's called the "flight or fight" response and it taps into some of our strongest emotions...fear and anger. However, there's a problem though...while in primitive brain mode, your brain shuts off it's intelligent thinking mode. It's entirely focused on getting out of the situation. But if you have BPD or any form of anxiety disorder...you sometimes get STUCK in primitive brain mode and that's where the problem is.

Your brain is focused on ESCAPE THROUGH ANY MEANS NECESSARY. And it's currently on dumb mode. It's hard to think when you're having a panic attack.  It's extremely hard to make decisions. And you feel HORRIBLE.  The main problem there is that there's too much adrenaline racing around your body. Your muscles ache...especially your shoulders and legs. You'll produce excess sweat. Sleep is hard. It's difficult to relax when you're rigid with adrenaline. So you'll probably sit down and literally pass out. Thinking about food is difficult and skipping meals is easy. Trying to do anything with primitive brain is the worst.

BUT there are steps that can help. And I'm going to talk about them tomorrow.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not a psychologist, I'm just writing my experiences in the hopes that it can help people understand what is going on with their bodies. I do encourage seeing a psychologist if you need to...there is absolutely no shame in that at all.

What is a panic attack?

Panic attacks are as scary as hell...don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's important to know what your brain is doing when you're having a panic attack.

You're in a game, wandering around, minding your own business...when some music comes on. Right away you start analysis...ok, there's an enemy around...is it an underling or a boss? You lean forward...your breath is started to be a little short, your heart rate has picked up in anticipation. You reach the source of the music...and it's an underling. Ok...threat registered, heart rate goes back down...and underling is swiftly dispatched. But wait...the music hasn't stopped yet...suddenly a big BIG BOSS comes barreling out! Omg! Where did he come from? He's way too big to tackle...so you make your character run away. You need to level up a bit to beat him.

This is pretty much how people react in a high stress enviroment. There's a threat...your brain registers it...and then it switches over to what I call "primitive brain". Your body starts to produce adrenaline to help spur you into action...and your heart rate rises. Your primitive brain then chooses a response...freeze, then flight or fight.

Now most people's brains work normally like this. If you're like me and prone to panic attacks...your brain works a little differently. And it's to do with the registering of a threat.

You're back wandering the game world. Music comes on...ooo, what is this? Anticipation...adrenaline...AARGH...IT'S A BOSS! Run away! More music...ANOTHER BOSS! Run away! What's that rustling in the trees? HELP! A BOSS! ...starting to feel tired now... THERE'S ANOTHER ONE! ...my muscles are screaming, everything's on edge... WHY IS THERE A BOSS IN THE SAFE ZONE? ...I can't deal with this...

See, our brain registers every supposed threat as a boss. It's life or death. Some people see a teeny tiny spider...I see Shelob from Lord of the Rings. And when I'm overwhelmed, it's even worse.

Fortunately...in some cases there are ways to help. Start observing your behaviour when you panic...which takes a lot of practice. Why are you panicking? What is the trigger? If the trigger is something you can avoid...avoid it. Notice your breathing. If it's shallow and your heart is racing, you need to slow it down. Take a deep breath...and another...and another...keep deep breathing until your heart rate has reduced.

Tomorrow, I'm going to talk about your primitive brain...stay tuned.

I need to say here that I'm NOT a psychologist...I'm just using techniques that I know work for me...and they may help you.

Hi, my name is...

I'm Keryn and let's get my basic stats out of the way. I'm 35, single and am owned by an asshole ginger cat. I make incredibly elaborate costumes because I'm one hell of a fangirl (shameless plug...check out my Instagram red_butler_cosplay or my Facebook Red Butler Cosplay).

And I have Borderline Personality Disorder  (BPD for short). The aim of this blog is to note my thoughts and feelings in the hopes that it can help other people with BPD or anxiety or depression.  I hope that I can share my experiences so others realise they're not alone, they're not losing it and that while BPD cannot be cured...there is ways to take care of yourself so it doesn't rule your life and make you make dangerous choices.