Executive dysfunction...what is it? Well...it's annoying as hell for a start.
What it is...is where you are so exhausted, you pretty much can't do anything. It's a mental exhaustion that actually drains you physically. What it looks like...my ass parked on the couch or in bed because I'm so tired I can't move. I can't make decisions well and I struggle to even do the basics of feeding myself, showering, etc. So to other's looking on, it's just me being lazy. Not true...laziness is something you actually enjoy...and it's actually important to take time out for yourself to relax. Executive dysfunction is irritating. I know what I need to do...I want to do what I need to do...I can't even summon up the energy to do the things I enjoy. I have no reserve energy.
BPD is actually really draining on the internal batteries. I have no filter...it's extremely easy for me to take on other's problems and completely get overwhelmed. I don't like to watch the news. Not only is it depressing, but I spend excess energy that I don't have on impotent emotion. I take on other people's problems and it is sometimes difficult for me to differentiate between the two. I'm aware of it though...so it affects me a lot less then when I was younger and less self aware.
In addition to no filter, I generally wake up on fairly high anxiety level. Consider anxiety like a glass that each day slowly gets water dripped into it and resets. Neuro-typical people will generally only have a few drops going in. When you have anxiety, you tend to wake up with a glass half full. It's a heck of a lot quicker to fill up...and therefore it's easier for it to sometimes completely overflow the glass. At present for me...my glass is three quarters full when I wake up. It's hard for me to maintain enough balance to keep it under control and to stop overflow.
And that's where executive dysfunction comes in. Surprisingly...it's annoying BUT it's actually your body looking out for you. Your body can't deal with too much stress...so it's FORCING you to rest. You are not lazy. It's just like when you have a cold or flu...you rest and recuperate. It's frustrating but you simply have to do it.
I'm practising being gentle to myself. It starts with your head...when you need to rest, it's allowing yourself to know it's ok. When your brain starts going at you with "BUT WE NEED TO BE DOING STUFF! YOU'RE LAZY", you need to be firm with your brain and just be "No. I need to rest and recover. Those things can wait." It also helps to reward your brain when you do manage something...because it is seriously difficult. Even something as simple as "hey look brain...I made some toast!" can help encourage your brain to back off.
It's not going to last forever. Until it passes, just be gentle and celebrate what you do manage.
