Keeping your head above water

With mental health, you're never 100% "cured". Borderline Personality Disorder  is LIFELONG.  It's not something that can be just switched off. And when your brain starts thinking that suicide is an excellent Plan B, it defaults to that.

I'm currently struggling because I'm close to being completely overwhelmed by emotion. I was very excited earlier this week at having a job interview. I'm also excited for the event this weekend. But I'm also anxious about this weekend. And compounded with the general anxiety I have currently walking on eggshells at home...it's reached a point that I myself know is dangerous. And it's good to recognise that you are in a dangerous space.

I struggle to tell lies...I'm just no good at it...but what I am good at is concealing things that are going on. Which I will do from friends and family. I don't use friends and family as a counselling service...I use professional service because I know they have the proper support that my friends and family do not. There's no shame in seeing a counsellor. I used to feel embarrassed and have my usual social anxiety. But now I know they are there to help. They're good to bounce ideas to move forward. I've learned every day is a step forward...to full recovery, no...but to more resilience, more ability to cope.

Learning how your brain works takes out the fear...it's not unknown anymore, you're back in control and can help yourself.

What I'm doing at the moment is trying to actively rest as much as possible. Adrenaline is making me tremble uncontrollably and making me feel tired. A short walk will help. I may need to nap...which I always feel guilty about...but when you need to, you need to. And a shower will soothe me too. It's all about finding the best ways that work for you to try and reduce some of that adrenaline.

Turn it off

I am hosting a cosplay event this weekend...and it's two and a bit days out. I'm trembling uncontrollably...my mind is going ten million miles per minute and I'm at the stage where I just don't want to go. It sounds like I'm making a joke, "it's your event, lol, you have to go"...but I really really am absolutely reluctant to go.

I'm overthinking things. My brain always loves to worry about nonsense at the best of times. But now it's "what if it rains? What if it's too cold? What if no one shows up? What if there's no photographers and cosplayers get pissed? What if there's no cosplayers and photographers get pissed? What if it's terrible and people start bitching about me? What if I'm late? What if my cosplay breaks? What if I look like shit and no one likes me?"

It's like a litany, over and over and over again. It gets to the point where I can't even focus on anything else and it's an enormous struggle to do one thing after another without feeling completely overwhelmed.

I'm going to get through it. And it's NOT going to be as bad as my brain says it's going to. I have to take baby steps now and be really organised. My cosplay is done and ready to go. I'm on top of everything. And I'm still being gentle to myself. I'm going to read manga that's not too heavy. I'm going to indulge a little in some of the things that make me feel good. It's about balance...and also being aware of how things affect you.

Break it down

Every time I have to go out anywhere...an appointment...an event...a convention...my anxiety decides to skyrocket. Which makes me flustered and pretty much incapable of doing anything.

But I have learned some tricks to help.

Firstly...be organised. If you're going somewhere and you need documents, gather those documents up before hand and pop them in your bag. I always have my bag completely set up, with wallet, charger and keys. I also make sure it has hand sanitiser so I feel comfortable touching things. Because it's already set up, just needs my phone, it makes it easier for me to not forget things when the anxiety hits.

Take time to yourself before a situation that will give you anxiety.  Even if it's just alone time in the shower. I personally like to cuddle up with my cat and read a bit. I find warmth important, I feel more anxious when I'm cold. Relaxing will help reduce your anxiety as it reduces your heart rate.

If you have a list of things to do, make it a physical list you can see. Because your brain on anxiety is going to forget things. If you have a list then ticking things off that list can also make you feel like you accomplished something.

Focus on the positive...I'm usually super anxious because my brain is tossing up all these scenarios where I'm going to get hurt...maybe there will be drama amongst friends or personal attacks from my family, etc. There's always a positive though...yeah, there might be some unpleasantness but spending time with friends is rare and precious. Or there's a nice meal and mostly fun at family dinners.

Don't forget recovery...so much anxiety makes you absolutely exhausted at the end. Make sure you take some time for yourself, just to relax and recharge your batteries.

Numb

I'm pretty devastated about Chester from Linkin Park's death 😭 I was lucky enough to go to the concert they held here and another of my favourite singers, Chris Cornell was opening for them...pretty devastating all round really 😭

And I know it's going to come up that he's so "selfish"...stop right there. I've been in the dark place he was and I'm so lucky that I survived. There's nothing selfish about suicide. What there is is EMPTINESS. It's a void. Your mind plays so many tricks on you that you genuinely believe there is nothing. It's hard when your brain is constantly whispering to you that it's ok to give up, that it'll be better, that there is no other way. And when you're tired...broken down...that's when you start to think that maybe your brain is right 😭

Mental illness KILLS. We have so many warnings about smoking, drugs, obesity...but there's this taboo about mental illness. We don't talk about it. It's carefully swept under the rug. We educate our children on how to have sex safely...but we don't educate them on how to look after their brains, how to reduce stress, that being mentally ill is not something to fear but something to get help for. Just like any other illness. And it is debilitating just like any other illness. It's NOT weakness. It's NOT something you just need to "harden up" for. It's NOT something you have to "prove".

Please get help if you need it. If you want help to get help, talk to me. I can point you in the right direction. Making the decision to get help is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength.

Stigma...it's paralysing

The hardest thing about a mental illness is stigma...from friends...from family...from health practitioners...from strangers. But the hardest stigma to get past is your own stigma towards your illness.

It's easy to think you're broken and you're out of control.  You're crazy and your doctor can even provide you with a certificate proving it.

You're still you though.  Nothing has changed there...YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. You don't go around saying "hi, I have the flu", you say "hi, my name is..." Being sick does not change you, it just presents a challenge.

There is no easy way to tackle stigma. I find it easiest to talk to people, to explain what's going on and why I'm doing weird things. Usually I have difficulty with talking out loud but I enjoy writing. Writing this blog helps me.

Don't be afraid to talk. Talking can help. It can be really scary to begin with but the more you tell people what's going on, the more they can understand. I can't guarantee that everyone will understand but it will help you.

Mental illness is not a stereotype. You're not a bad person. You're just sick. It's just the same as any other illness. And it can be treated like any other illness...and it also makes you feel like any other illness (tired, nauseous, etc). It's not a failure. You're not a failure because you're ill. Don't ever let anyone tell you you are because you're not. Illness is not a failure at all.

It's hard but try to stop feeling guilty about being sick. If you had the flu, what would you do? You'd snuggle in bed, take some meds and look after yourself. It's the same with mental illness. Take care of yourself and get well.