Execute! Execute! Execute!

Executive dysfunction...what is it? Well...it's annoying as hell for a start.

What it is...is where you are so exhausted, you pretty much can't do anything. It's a mental exhaustion that actually drains you physically. What it looks like...my ass parked on the couch or in bed because I'm so tired I can't move. I can't make decisions well and I struggle to even do the basics of feeding myself, showering, etc. So to other's looking on, it's just me being lazy. Not true...laziness is something you actually enjoy...and it's actually important to take time out for yourself to relax. Executive dysfunction is irritating. I know what I need to do...I want to do what I need to do...I can't even summon up the energy to do the things I enjoy. I have no reserve energy.

BPD is actually really draining on the internal batteries. I have no filter...it's extremely easy for me to take on other's problems and completely get overwhelmed. I don't like to watch the news. Not only is it depressing, but I spend excess energy that I don't have on impotent emotion. I take on other people's problems and it is sometimes difficult for me to differentiate between the two. I'm aware of it though...so it affects me a lot less then when I was younger and less self aware.

In addition to no filter, I generally wake up on fairly high anxiety level. Consider anxiety like a glass that each day slowly gets water dripped into it and resets. Neuro-typical people will generally only have a few drops going in. When you have anxiety, you tend to wake up with a glass half full. It's a heck of a lot quicker to fill up...and therefore it's easier for it to sometimes completely overflow the glass. At present for me...my glass is three quarters full when I wake up. It's hard for me to maintain enough balance to keep it under control and to stop overflow.

And that's where executive dysfunction comes in. Surprisingly...it's annoying BUT it's actually your body looking out for you. Your body can't deal with too much stress...so it's FORCING you to rest. You are not lazy. It's just like when you have a cold or flu...you rest and recuperate. It's frustrating but you simply have to do it.

I'm practising being gentle to myself. It starts with your head...when you need to rest, it's allowing yourself to know it's ok. When your brain starts going at you with "BUT WE NEED TO BE DOING STUFF! YOU'RE LAZY", you need to be firm with your brain and just be "No. I need to rest and recover. Those things can wait." It also helps to reward your brain when you do manage something...because it is seriously difficult. Even something as simple as "hey look brain...I made some toast!" can help encourage your brain to back off.

It's not going to last forever. Until it passes, just be gentle and celebrate what you do manage.

Prove it!

I recently got a job...which is a yay for me. But after I made it quite clear that using a telephone was an absolute no for me...my new employer has translated that to "oh, she doesn't LIKE to use a phone".

It's a disability for me. How did it come about? Well, first I had a high stress job at a contact centre that completely fell apart and I had a massive breakdown. There's a two month stand down to get onto government help...I was broke...but waiting for a large pay out from my employers. I couldn't get any help. I was sick...had no money...couldn't pay my rent...couldn't pay my car payments and had no food. And the phone became a thing of fear to me...I was getting call after call demanding money I just didn't have. And I was having to call to try and sort out where my money was from my employers. Even the dial tone or sounds of a phone ringing absolutely terrify me.

The next time I used a phone, I was forced to by my family to help with my father's funeral. I was already on high stress and this put me over...I ended up in respite care. While I was in care, Adult Mental Health kept calling me and calling me...standard procedure for someone on a suicide watch...but in my case it just made me more stressed out. I begged them not to call...my doctor begged them not to call...they did it regardless. In the end, I threw my phone away.

I have a phone now, of course. I can do anything on it...apart from call or take calls. I can instant message, text...even Skype. But it frustrates me that I'm viewed as pretty much unemployable in my field due to not being able to take calls.

And that leads me to the point of this post...there's this sad implicit thing where people without illness feel this need to PROVE that you are not unwell...when you are unwell. It's frustrating...especially when you're trying the best you can. Here's the thing...people don't ask someone with cancer to PROVE they're sick. People don't ask people in a wheelchair to PROVE they can't walk. BUT it's perfectly acceptable to ask someone with mental illness to prove themselves. It's perfectly acceptable to assume that we're just lazy or just don't want to do things, rather then that we actually can't.

I DON'T HAVE TO PROVE MY MENTAL ILLNESS. I DON'T HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING.

It's a complete barrier to achieving a semblance of wellness. So I can't use a phone...I can do ten thousand other things, plus I'm used to working around my own illness. The simple fact is that by asking me to prove that I'm ill just stops any progress at all. We don't need that. What we need is COMPASSION, UNDERSTANDING and ENCOURAGEMENT. And that's it.

Keeping your head above water

With mental health, you're never 100% "cured". Borderline Personality Disorder  is LIFELONG.  It's not something that can be just switched off. And when your brain starts thinking that suicide is an excellent Plan B, it defaults to that.

I'm currently struggling because I'm close to being completely overwhelmed by emotion. I was very excited earlier this week at having a job interview. I'm also excited for the event this weekend. But I'm also anxious about this weekend. And compounded with the general anxiety I have currently walking on eggshells at home...it's reached a point that I myself know is dangerous. And it's good to recognise that you are in a dangerous space.

I struggle to tell lies...I'm just no good at it...but what I am good at is concealing things that are going on. Which I will do from friends and family. I don't use friends and family as a counselling service...I use professional service because I know they have the proper support that my friends and family do not. There's no shame in seeing a counsellor. I used to feel embarrassed and have my usual social anxiety. But now I know they are there to help. They're good to bounce ideas to move forward. I've learned every day is a step forward...to full recovery, no...but to more resilience, more ability to cope.

Learning how your brain works takes out the fear...it's not unknown anymore, you're back in control and can help yourself.

What I'm doing at the moment is trying to actively rest as much as possible. Adrenaline is making me tremble uncontrollably and making me feel tired. A short walk will help. I may need to nap...which I always feel guilty about...but when you need to, you need to. And a shower will soothe me too. It's all about finding the best ways that work for you to try and reduce some of that adrenaline.

Turn it off

I am hosting a cosplay event this weekend...and it's two and a bit days out. I'm trembling uncontrollably...my mind is going ten million miles per minute and I'm at the stage where I just don't want to go. It sounds like I'm making a joke, "it's your event, lol, you have to go"...but I really really am absolutely reluctant to go.

I'm overthinking things. My brain always loves to worry about nonsense at the best of times. But now it's "what if it rains? What if it's too cold? What if no one shows up? What if there's no photographers and cosplayers get pissed? What if there's no cosplayers and photographers get pissed? What if it's terrible and people start bitching about me? What if I'm late? What if my cosplay breaks? What if I look like shit and no one likes me?"

It's like a litany, over and over and over again. It gets to the point where I can't even focus on anything else and it's an enormous struggle to do one thing after another without feeling completely overwhelmed.

I'm going to get through it. And it's NOT going to be as bad as my brain says it's going to. I have to take baby steps now and be really organised. My cosplay is done and ready to go. I'm on top of everything. And I'm still being gentle to myself. I'm going to read manga that's not too heavy. I'm going to indulge a little in some of the things that make me feel good. It's about balance...and also being aware of how things affect you.

Break it down

Every time I have to go out anywhere...an appointment...an event...a convention...my anxiety decides to skyrocket. Which makes me flustered and pretty much incapable of doing anything.

But I have learned some tricks to help.

Firstly...be organised. If you're going somewhere and you need documents, gather those documents up before hand and pop them in your bag. I always have my bag completely set up, with wallet, charger and keys. I also make sure it has hand sanitiser so I feel comfortable touching things. Because it's already set up, just needs my phone, it makes it easier for me to not forget things when the anxiety hits.

Take time to yourself before a situation that will give you anxiety.  Even if it's just alone time in the shower. I personally like to cuddle up with my cat and read a bit. I find warmth important, I feel more anxious when I'm cold. Relaxing will help reduce your anxiety as it reduces your heart rate.

If you have a list of things to do, make it a physical list you can see. Because your brain on anxiety is going to forget things. If you have a list then ticking things off that list can also make you feel like you accomplished something.

Focus on the positive...I'm usually super anxious because my brain is tossing up all these scenarios where I'm going to get hurt...maybe there will be drama amongst friends or personal attacks from my family, etc. There's always a positive though...yeah, there might be some unpleasantness but spending time with friends is rare and precious. Or there's a nice meal and mostly fun at family dinners.

Don't forget recovery...so much anxiety makes you absolutely exhausted at the end. Make sure you take some time for yourself, just to relax and recharge your batteries.

Numb

I'm pretty devastated about Chester from Linkin Park's death 😭 I was lucky enough to go to the concert they held here and another of my favourite singers, Chris Cornell was opening for them...pretty devastating all round really 😭

And I know it's going to come up that he's so "selfish"...stop right there. I've been in the dark place he was and I'm so lucky that I survived. There's nothing selfish about suicide. What there is is EMPTINESS. It's a void. Your mind plays so many tricks on you that you genuinely believe there is nothing. It's hard when your brain is constantly whispering to you that it's ok to give up, that it'll be better, that there is no other way. And when you're tired...broken down...that's when you start to think that maybe your brain is right 😭

Mental illness KILLS. We have so many warnings about smoking, drugs, obesity...but there's this taboo about mental illness. We don't talk about it. It's carefully swept under the rug. We educate our children on how to have sex safely...but we don't educate them on how to look after their brains, how to reduce stress, that being mentally ill is not something to fear but something to get help for. Just like any other illness. And it is debilitating just like any other illness. It's NOT weakness. It's NOT something you just need to "harden up" for. It's NOT something you have to "prove".

Please get help if you need it. If you want help to get help, talk to me. I can point you in the right direction. Making the decision to get help is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength.

Stigma...it's paralysing

The hardest thing about a mental illness is stigma...from friends...from family...from health practitioners...from strangers. But the hardest stigma to get past is your own stigma towards your illness.

It's easy to think you're broken and you're out of control.  You're crazy and your doctor can even provide you with a certificate proving it.

You're still you though.  Nothing has changed there...YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. You don't go around saying "hi, I have the flu", you say "hi, my name is..." Being sick does not change you, it just presents a challenge.

There is no easy way to tackle stigma. I find it easiest to talk to people, to explain what's going on and why I'm doing weird things. Usually I have difficulty with talking out loud but I enjoy writing. Writing this blog helps me.

Don't be afraid to talk. Talking can help. It can be really scary to begin with but the more you tell people what's going on, the more they can understand. I can't guarantee that everyone will understand but it will help you.

Mental illness is not a stereotype. You're not a bad person. You're just sick. It's just the same as any other illness. And it can be treated like any other illness...and it also makes you feel like any other illness (tired, nauseous, etc). It's not a failure. You're not a failure because you're ill. Don't ever let anyone tell you you are because you're not. Illness is not a failure at all.

It's hard but try to stop feeling guilty about being sick. If you had the flu, what would you do? You'd snuggle in bed, take some meds and look after yourself. It's the same with mental illness. Take care of yourself and get well.